Life of a Secretary Ninja
by ragna ayanami
Summary: A ninja's life was supposed to be one grand adventure. Living on edge, never knowing when Death would sneak up on you and pluck you from this green Earth, but not for this particular kunoichi. Life was limited to a small office desk with regular working hours. Could life be anymore blissful? Especially when one silver-haired jonin made it his duty to exasperate her at every turn.
1. A Day in the Life

I've posted this story before, but it was written in the first person. Then I took it down because I lost interest and to be honest it sounded sucky in 1st person…Now, I picked it up again and re-wrote it. Hopefully, I'll end up finishing it.

**All characters (except for my OC's) belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

* * *

Chuckle.

Twitch.

Snicker.

Twitch. Twitch.

Lewd giggle.

"Do you mind?! I'm trying to work here!"

The frustrated woman behind the desk hit the wooden surface with the palm of her hand. It tingled unpleasantly, the force of it feeling like a colony of ants biting into her skin.

_That bastard better look at me!_

The bastard in question was a silver haired jonin by the name of Hatake Kakashi that was currently lazing around on the office couch like he owned the damned thing. He turned fractionally, so his uncovered eye could connect with the peeved woman's.

"Not at all." The nonchalance in his voice made her want to wrap her hands around his neck and squeeze. "You should actually type more quietly. I can't concentrate on my book."

"You can't concen—" She groaned, taking off her glasses and pinching the bridge of her nose. The woman swore she was one foot away from losing her carefully constructed composure.

_That masked bastard! Why does he always have to do this? Ugh! Just be calm. Don't give in to his childish games._

Steeling her composure against the giggling menace, the woman slid her thick framed glasses up her slightly upturned nose and began typing again. This time, she made sure to hit each of the typewriter's key with crushing force. At least this way, she wouldn't be the only one to suffer annoyances.

Tap!

Tap! Tap!

TAP! TAP! TAP!

The cacophony of lettered keys mashed with brutish intensity and continuous flow had the masked jonin scrunch his nose behind his eternal mask, displaying his almost-genuine distaste.

"Ah, Nana-chan, that poor typewriter." His lone eye followed the woman's clawed fingers as they treated the typewriter's keys similar to an organ player high on music. He actually winced at one point once she hit the 'o' key with a resounding crunch. "What did it ever do to you to abuse it so cruelly?"

"Well, it's either the 'poor' typewriter suffers or _you_ do." Nana threw him her best stink-eye, but the shinobi remained unfazed as it simply bounced against his laidback armor. "I don't need a blemish on my record unlike some lazy shinobi I know. And stop being so familiar, Hatake-_san_."

"So formal, Nana-_chan_." He specifically accentuated the honorific to show his disregard in her insistence on being proper. "And I thought after all this time we were friends—"

"We're not."

"—but you were always one to stick to rules." Kakashi continued on without a hitch. "I think you should really consider letting go once in a while. It's good for the soul."

A slim, perfectly shaped eyebrow shot up.

"Like you do?" She scoffed, no effort in concealing her doubt. Taking the finished document out of the roll of the typewriter, Nana blew softly on the fresh ink. Once dry, she gingerly settled the paper in the growing stack of neatly arranged documents.

_Forty-seven down, thirty-two more to go._

_Joy…_

The woman took in a deep breath and settled her eyes on the current day's distraction. Out of all the places he could laze around, Hatake had to choose her office in the Jonin Headquarters and, of course, instead of letting her work in perfect tranquility, he had to childishly react to everything vulgar written in that ghastly little book (_which is pretty much ninety-nine percent of it_).

"Why did you come here, Hatake-san? There are no mission that could interest you." Usually, this particular shinobi got his assignments either straight from the Hokage himself or the Jonin Commander. He wasn't one to loiter around the mission roster like most ninja did, circling like vultures for either a challenge or a decent paying mission.

Hatake closed his book as he shifted sideways facing the other occupant of the room, his head held up by his bended arm. The change was almost instantaneous—from his characteristic indifference to a crinkled closed eye smile that no doubt hid beneath the material hiding the lower half of his face.

"Would you believe me if I said I came here to bask in your lovely presence."

"_No_."

Just by that change Nana knew that the lazy shinobi was once again messing around with her. Just like always.

"Ah, you caught me." The crow's feet never left his face as he continued on with his merry façade. "You should consider changing careers to an interrogator with the way you see through lies."

"Not like you tried." The woman mumbled underneath her breath as she refreshed the typewriter with a blank page. "Come on, Hatake-san. Either tell me or be on your way. I actually have work to do. These mission reports won't file on their own."

The jonin sighed as he rolled onto his back, his hands locked underneath his head. There was a pensive, almost piqued look about him that stirred Nana's curiosity. It wasn't every day that Hatake encountered a situation that puzzled him.

"I'm getting a new genin team tomorrow."

Nana rolled her eyes at his immature difficulties. For a moment, she actually thought it was an important matter, but once again it was a mundane inconvenience in Hatake's day-to-day life. Kami forbid he ever do anything besides read his tacky novels or leisurely walk about the village.

"So what? You get one each year and each time you fail them. You're a bit of a sadist come to think of it."

"Ah, am I? I think I'm being honest. Graduates shouldn't become genin if they're not ready both physically and mentally. It wouldn't do if a genin went up and died just because he achieved rank without merit. I'm actually doing them a favor."

"Favor…right." The woman scoffed sarcastically, crushing his woes under an unsympathetic thumb. "We're not in war anymore, Hatake-san. It's not like genins do any missions above maintenance tasks around the village these days. You're just crushing their dreams because you don't want the hassle of babysitting kids."

"Hmmm…" Hatake rose to a sitting position, his hand on his chin in a 'serious' thoughtful posture. "That is an interesting theory. One that I will seriously ponder after I finish reading my book."

Nana felt exasperation flood her brain. Fifty years could pass and he would still be only at the middle of the book, not yet quite finished.

There was something odd about the whole situation, though. Hatake wasn't the type to talk about genins, much less a fresh batch he would be receiving. To him, academy students were a passing fancy. He forgot about them the second they failed his ridiculous test.

Nana eyed the 'oblivious' ninja with deep suspicion. Something was different about these particular younglings, different enough to elicit an actual reaction out of him.

"Who are they?"

"The Uchiha boy and the Jinchuriki are the only ones of note." He leaned back on the sofa, observing the predictable reaction.

Nana froze with her fingers hovering above the lettered keys. Overcoming the unexpected surprise, the woman leaned back in her chair, a thoughtful frown on her brow. For the moment, Nana put aside her work in favor of this curious development. Not because it was Hatake's business, but because of the uncanniness of the pairing. Under no circumstance was this a coincidence.

"Let me guess—the Hokage personally selected them and it so happens that he appointed them to _you_." Hatake Kakashi. The former student of the Jinchuriki boy's father.

To her allegation, the man in question merely shrugged. Nana was not deterred, though. She just knew there was some underhanded deal done between him and the Sandaime.

"You know, the Jinchuriki kid is quite the troublemaker. I saw what he did to the monument a few days ago. Even now, they're still trying to scrape off the paint. As for the Uchiha boy…well, he's probably a handful all things considered." Traumatized children were always the most tough to handle. Throw a kid that probably surrounded himself with enough metaphorical armor to tank a horse with a juvenile delinquent and you had yourself one hell of a hotpot of stewing, growing hormones.

If anything, it would be interesting to see how this situation developed. Would it be in Hatake's favor or not?

_I hope they beat you at your own game._

"Are you going to throw the 'bell' test at them?"

His eye closed into a happy crinkle, no need for a verbal confirmation.

"Sadist."

No longer interested in Kakashi's future failed genin team or the man himself, Nana delved back into her monotone world of black ink, white paper and the clanking sound of the aged typewriter. Seeing the woman's retreat from their social interaction, Kakashi took it as his cue to skedaddle. He knew that once Nana recoiled mentally from a situation there was no getting her back. She possessed zombie like focus when she worked.

The silver jonin rose to his feet and stretched his arms taunt over his head. A harsh pop here and there made him rethink his age with a theatric sigh.

"Well, I'm off, Nana-chan. I need to prepare myself for tomorrow. Get enough rest."

The clank-clank of keys paused.

"It's five in the evening, how much rest do you need?" Before the shinobi could answer, she abruptly waved him off not wanting the passive sass that most definitely sat on the tip of his tongue. "Forget I asked. Doesn't matter how much you sleep, you're still going to be late."

"I'm never late, Nana-chan. I'm always on time." As his feet dragged him out of her office, Nana could still hear his voice chirping joyfully. "_My_ time, that is."

No longer feeling his presence, Nana let out the heavy sigh that came like clockwork after every interaction with the one-eyed jonin. She swore the man would give her ulcers with the way he kept pestering her. Why he insisted on seeing her almost every day, despite her displeasure at it, was beyond her understanding.

_Ugh._

The door on the woman's right opened and a bleary eyed man poked his head out of his office, his hair even messier than usual as his ponytail now resembled a porcupine's back.

"Was that Kakashi-san I heard?" Shikaku's gravelly voice seemed even deeper than before.

"Yes, he was just being a nuisance." Nana attentively eyed the Jonin Commander. His all over disheveled state made her think of only one thing—

"Commander…were you sleeping again?"

The two ninja gazed at each other, a heavyweight battle of deadpan stares ensuing.

Seconds passed by the ticking clock on the wall.

The Nara patriarch scratched his goateed chin 'obliviously', offering one last comment before sliding back into his office.

"Knock on my door first if someone comes to see me."

Nana took a deep breath and shut her eyes tight, letting the exasperation wash over her like a cool wave. At this point, she really didn't know who was worse—Hatake, the chronically late shinobi or the Commander, the borderline narcoleptic ninja.

* * *

Nana sighed to herself as she walked the long dirt road to her abode.

The sun lowered over the many houses surrounding her, casting long shadows that engulfed the people of Konoha as they busied themselves with reaching their homes in time for dinner. Parents gathered their children from parks, men and women closed shop for the day and teenagers sneaked out of their houses in search of entertainment.

It had been a normal day for a ninja village, almost too ordinary. In her experience, Nana would expect some sort of mischief or backstabbing to happen, but the day passed relatively quiet. Thank Kami for that as Nana couldn't afford anymore distractions. Despite Hatake's attempts, work had been productive as Nana managed to file all the current field reports and even address a few inconsistencies. The rest of the day had consisted of following her Commander to the ANBU headquarters as he had a meeting with the Captain-Commander. A somber and silent place that always managed to give Nana the chills. The sensation of eyes following her everywhere was ever present and to her knowledge of ANBU, they probably were scrutinizing her.

Taking notes in that place was forbidden for outsiders, so Nana had to memorize the conversation down to the tiniest detail. Double meanings, a micro-expression, unconscious movements that betrayed one's thoughts—anything that could be to Shikaku's advantage and later review. Nana wasn't Shikaku's personal assistant without merit; her solid memory alone was a defining factor of her employment to the Nara clan patriarch. Nana was good at her job, no, she was _great_ at it, but she swore it was among the most boring that she ever had the pleasure of performing.

—Bureaucracy was never supposed to her ultimate career path, but sometimes the choice was forcefully pried out of her hands.

Nana missed the old days. The missions and traipsing into different countries. Getting thrown into new adventures without a predictable outcome. The feel of the wind against her cheeks as she ran at full speed.

The office ninja sighed forlornly. _Those were the golden days._

Nana straightened her back once she reached the compound gates, slipping the polite façade into place. Serenity washed over her features as she nodded and greeted her clansmen with a courteous smile, never once exchanging more words than needed. Although Nana was among her own blood, she did not feel comfortable being sociable as the giant elephant in the room would be predictably addressed and all sense of approachability would coast away from her being like rooftops in a tornado.

—She already had her own brain sabotaging her each day, she didn't need to be reminded by outside forces as well.

Only twenty-six years old and Nana was already a forgotten kunoichi, like all those that retired from the ninja life or were simply unable to continue it. She had joined the ranks of the walking dead, working in the shadows. She had been demoted to support of the office kind.

_You ever need a pen, I got five of those on my person at all times. Notepads? Check. Paperclips? You got it. Hand sanitizer? Without doubt._

Being surrounded day in and day out by capable shinobi and kunoichi—ninjas with years of field work ahead of them, ninjas who would get to live through days of glory and, once old, could recount their days with pride, was a toxic and frustrating feeling. Knowing that she could never be one of them, that a stellar ninja career was not in her constellation had brought Nana to an all-time low. She'd had mornings where getting out of bed became a harsh chore that challenged her mental and physical will.

_Sometimes, I swear, it would've been better if I—_

"Nana!"

Startled out of her dark thoughts, Nana turned to find a young boy tracing her steps with an uncharacteristic quick gait. On reflex, her features brightened as the young Nara heir paced himself to her slow walk.

"Hey, Shikamaru!" She chirped as her slender fingers mussed with the boy's hair, anticipating his reaction. Shikamaru did not fail her as the young genin frowned and pouted, avoiding the _wicked_ hand as if it were a hot poker.

"Why do you always have to do that, Nana?" Shikamaru glowered like an angry puppy as he had to redo his ponytail, wasting energy in the process.

"I just like messing with you." The older woman smiled as she playfully bumped into his shoulder. "Also, that pout is cute."

Immediately, the boy retracted his pout and pressed his lips into a straight line. He would seem the architype of a Nara man if it wasn't for the fluster coloring his cheeks bright pink. Nana could not help herself but chuckle at her patriarch's son's mannerism. Shikamaru, besides being the next in the Nara line of succession, was Nana's seventh removed cousin from her mother's side. During Shikamaru's infancy, she used to babysit him and in such, developed a great relationship with the head family. Which paid in the end since Shikaku offered Nana her current trade as his assistant after the _incident_.

"So tell me, who did you get as your sensei?" Yesterday had been Academy Graduation day, and even though Shikamaru had been among the last in his class (a fact that annoyed Nana to sprouting white hairs), he still passed the final exam and was now a full-time genin.

"Sarutobi Asuma."

Nana's eyebrows arched high as distant memories of a cheeky boy with wild russet hair flashed before her eyes. Years had passed since she'd last talked to the Sandaime's golden child, but from what she'd heard he did quite well for himself. Not anybody could become one of the Twelve Ninja Guardians, an honor on par with that of becoming a Hokage. When she learned that he would be returning to Konoha she almost couldn't have believed it. Trade that highly regarded position for that of a jonin's? Preposterous.

Shikamaru frown turned to mild curiosity as he studied Nana's micro-shifting features and deduced—"You know him."

She nodded, not even surprised that he could read her. Shikamaru was just full of surprises when he put in a little effort.

"A long time ago. We were in the same class at the Academy. Graduated together, too." She smiled faintly as she patted the younger Nara on the shoulder. "He's a great shinobi. Listen to him."

The boy scratched the back of his head, obviously not convinced by his dour expression. Shikamaru's number one problem had always been his lack of motivation which turned him into an idle, unenthusiastic ninja. It showed in his academic performance as his grades constantly maintained a low rank, and his teachers often complained of his indifference and even napping in class. Nana knew better, though. There was genius hidden in that thick skull, but general boredom overpowered his enthusiasm making him one hell of a lazy kid. If he only had put in some effort, he would have been promoted to genin years earlier. He might have been chunin already.

"What about your teammates? Are you getting along with them?"

An actual smile broke through his usually frowning visage, a spark of enthusiasm sizzling in those dark eyes.

"You remember Choji, right? He's with me in the team." But as fast as his delight came, it burned out just as quickly. "There's also Yamanaka Ino. She's loud and confrontational."

Unintentionally, an amused chuckle escaped Nana, prompting the young Nara heir to direct his frown towards her.

"Oh, I can already see you're going to like her."

"You don't have to rub it in." He sighed as he crossed his arms over his chest, annoyance written all over his skin. "Why is it that all the women in my life are crazy?"

Nana grinned whole-heartedly. "You just know how to attract them."

_Like father, like son._

The two clansmen's conversation died down the closer they got to Nana's house. It wasn't anything special, just a one story house with three rooms and a small garden on the fringes of the compound. This was Nana's childhood home, spanning three generations. Nana had often contemplated selling it and settling for a smaller apartment, but something always held her back. Maybe it was the bitter-sweet memories or the simple knowledge that the house had been around since the foundation of Konohagakure, built by her own grandfather. Either way, any relocation dream would remain a fantasy for the time being.

"How are you, Nana?" Shikamaru asked as they arrived at the front stairs of the house. "Sorry about the Graduation Ceremony. I wanted to talk to you, but I practically got swarmed."

"I remember." She chuckled at the memory of his close family all congratulating him to his utter _horror_. All those aunts and grandmothers pinching and kissing his cheeks had probably traumatized him. "You know me, same old, same old. Sleep, eat, write files, repeat. The story of my life."

Shikamaru's frown deepened at the monotone words hidden behind that highly deceptive smile. He'd known for a long time that his cousin struggled daily with her burden. That it frustrated her and drove her to the point of silent tears, but never once did she outwardly complained. She swallowed her grief and kept it bottled like a firework never once setting off. But the thing about fireworks was that sooner or later, that fuse would reach its end and Shikamaru knew it was going to be unpleasant.

He missed his cousin. The old Nana—the one that used to play ninja with him when we has younger, the one that tried to show him ninja techniques and failed due to his higher interest in watching clouds pass by…the one that had a hidden mischievous side not many got to see. Now, she was like every other adult weighted down by life's tragedies, and he couldn't blame her after what she'd been through.

"Hey, you wanna come over for dinner?"

"Maybe some other time, Shika. I have some paperwork to deal with."

It was a brushoff, plain and simple. Nana had nothing but time to kill. Unfortunately, she was in one of her moods and even being around positive influences could not fish her out of that dark, gloomy hole she constantly dug herself into. Besides, Yoshino would probably comment on her thinness again and try to feed her to death. Despite her overbearing character, the Nara matriarch had a hidden gentleness when it came to people she cared about.

Shikamaru left it at that. He knew better than to push things with Nana since she had a tendency to turn into a statue when she felt threatened. Trying to speak with her then became an unpleasant chore he did not relish in. Looking over the compound, the sun's light was minutes away from disappearing over the horizon and he knew it was time to head home otherwise that troublesome woman he identified as mother would lecture him again.

"We're gonna start training tomorrow morning. I'm gonna have to wake up at the crack of dawn." He groaned, already dreading the hassle this would bring in the near future. "How troublesome..."

Nana sighed in defeat. The boy really needed to stop being so slothful, but that was like wishing for rain in a drought.

"Nana, can I come over once you get off work?"

"Sure." She might have gotten away this time, but in the end she could never refuse her cute cousin. "I'll order takeout from our usual restaurant."

Shikamaru smirked before giving her a lazy wave. "Goodnight, then."

"'Night, Shikamaru."

Nana watched his unusual quick steps through the half-empty streets of the compound, no doubt anxious of being tardy. No matter how much the boy groaned and complained, he was just as nervous of his mother as his father was.

_He really is a charac—_

It was instantaneous, just like all episodes were.

The smile on Nana's face suddenly morphed into a pained filled grimace, her teeth latching onto her lower lip with painful force.

_My leg…_

If it hadn't been for the wooden balustrade on the stairs, she would have collapsed in an undignified heap. Nana could feel blood pool at her lips as her fingers clenched the handrail with white knuckle intensity.

This was the worst feeling in the world. Unannounced pangs of pain that still paralyzed her even after more than a year. Why now of all times? She hadn't had an episode in over two months which was a celebration in itself. For a moment, Nana had hopefully believed that they had stopped hardening her life only for them to reappear when she least expected it.

—This was her curse. The burden she had to carry because of _one_ mistake that changed her life entirely.

Cold sweat poured down her temple, making her limbs cool and clammy. Even her chest shook with each ragged breath leaving her body.

"Are you alright, Nana-chan?"

One of Nana's longtime neighbors, an elderly man, stared at her worriedly from his front engawa where he had been enjoying his pipe and tea in peace. Having known the woman since she had been born, the man seemed conflicted between helping her and leaving her pride intact.

"I'm alright. No need to worry." Like the dutiful ninja, Nana waved him off with a smile that completely covered the pain jolting around in her body. "Just a small spell."

With gritted teeth, Nana forced herself to climb those two stone steps, not even caring that her contracted muscles were screaming. Never once did her smile slip off, not even as she felt phantom nails being hammered into her leg. Her perfect mask could not be cracked, much less shattered.

_Everything is fine. I'm fine._

With a polite head bow, Nana said her goodnights to her neighbor and stepped inside her darkened home. Once the door slid shut, Nana collapsed on the tatami mats, breathing heavily. Just those few steps had exhausted her beyond measure. It felt like she had undergone extreme training instead of just entering her house.

_Just a little bit. I'll stay here for just a little bit longer._


	2. Bells as Fragile as China

_Aahh…This is delicious._

Nana sat in Saki's Tea Shop, enjoying her aromatic mango tea and scrumptious salad, away from the growing heat found outside. This was her one refuge away from the bustle of the village and her pilling amount of paperwork at the office, and the second place beside her home where she felt at peace. There was no shinobi demanding higher missions or a chance to talk with the Commander because they didn't approve of the given assignment. Never once had they gotten past her human barrier because heaven's forbid if they ever found the Commander napping or sipping from the flask she knew he kept hidden on his person. Even if the Nara patriarch did not care for appearances, she did to an extreme and would rather avoid the embarrassment of it. But the probable reason why she chose this tiny, secluded teahouse was because of _him_. Hatake had the annoying habit of finding her each and every day for one of his little chats, but not here. He was oblivious to this location to her immense relief.

She never could understand the man. Their chats were never about anything significant, just mundane day-to-day matters that could be survived without. Oh, and how could she forget about the teasing. The man was relentless and every time she barked back it just bounced off that maddening hidden smile of his.

Taking in a deep calming breath, Nana resumed her eating, dispelling any thoughts of the silver pest. Just as she was about to swallow a bite out of her leafy greens, a shadow engulfed her. With full cheeks, she turned to identify her visitor and the urge to spit out her food was withheld by an iron will.

"Ohayo, Nana-chan!" Hatake waved with his trademark orange book in his hand. "I didn't know you come here _too_."

Swallowing the greens and almost choking on them, she fixed a glare on the silver-haired jonin.

"What're you doing here?"_ Damn you! You just had to ruin this place too!_

"It's such a cool day today and I thought to myself, why not get some tea?"

"And you just happened to walk into this tea house? Out of all the dozen in the village?"

His eye crackled. "Feels like fate, I know."

_Liar._ Whoever had ratted her out at the Station was going to pay dearly.

Nana could feel the muscles in her face twitch in aggravation as Hatake sat down opposite her without even asking. In fact, he seemed right at home as he placed his book on the table for everyone to see (_doesn't matter that the local is empty_) and asked the waitress to bring him some tea. The teen took one peek at the book and her cheeks flushed bright red. The twitch heightened as Nana knew without even looking that there was something lewd drawn on the cover—a woman and a man with too much skin exposed in a compromising situation. That was something nobody displayed in public so freely, all except this specimen of a ninja sitting before her.

"I'm eating, Hatake-san. I would appreciate it if I didn't just suddenly vomit from that deplorable book. How about you read it on the other side of the room?"

"Ah, but lunch should always be enjoyed in pairs." Hatake leaned back in his zabuton, not at all bothered by her rebuke. "So, I find that it is my duty to fill in this empty seat."

Nana sighed, knowing that there was no escape from him. _And it was such a lovely day._

"I knew you'd see it my way."

Crinkle.

Glare.

_Is it too much to ask for a meal in peace? Why is he even here?_

"Don't you have a genin team to terrorize?"

"I already did."

Nana had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep herself from laughing. A part of her felt bad to laugh at such a situation considering the end result. Poor kids. They just drew the short stick when it came to their instructor.

"You didn't have to crush their dreams so early in the morning, Hatake-san."

It was just past noon. Nana found it cruel to endure yet another year at the Academy just because the assigned sensei found training children too much of a hassle.

"Oh, I didn't fail them."

Bits of tomatoes, cucumbers and bell-peppers got stuck in Nana's throat resulting in a harsh coughing fit. A hand thumped against her back and with a croak, Nana managed to swallow her vegetables.

"W-What?" She wiped the tears from her eyes, just able to comprehend his words. Even the embarrassment of such a scene was looked over in the light of this news.

"They passed." Hatake sat back in his chair, the flicker of concern in his lone eye lost to Nana.

"Somebody actually managed to pass your ridiculously over-demanding test? _How_?!"

He shrugged, just as flabbergasted.

She hadn't been able to help herself as laughter tumbled past her lips. "Oh, how I wish I was there to see your face when you realized that you got stuck with three kids for the next few years. It must've been _priceless_."

Despite the hilarity directed at him, Hatake remained unaffected. He seemed to be pleased by the female jonin's chortle. A sound he hadn't heard in years.

"To tell you the truth, Nana-chan," Hatake spoke once the woman's mirth was reined in. "I'm actually looking forward to it."

"Now that I _don't_ believe." This particular ninja had a long, wretched history concerning teammates and Nana doubted he actually felt _alright_ with mentoring three students whose lives would depend on him. The masked jonin will just end up disappointing them as was his fate.

Hatake let out a theatrical whine. "Don't be like that, Nana-chan."

"Shut it." Nana shut down his antics before they got out of control. The shinobi had the infuriating need to mortify her at every opportunity. "And stop being so familiar, Hatake-_san_."

It was unnoticeable to the untrained eye, but Nana had known him for far too long not to recognize his mood swings. The shift in his expression was as subtle as the distant rumble of a storm. Faint displeasure flickered like tiny embers in his dark eye before being extinguished in a pool of somber coolness. Gone was his amusement, left behind nothing but an intense air that set Nana on edge.

"_No_."

Nana felt her instincts flare up with caution. While she knew Hatake would never outright hurt her, her body still reacted to the almost intimidating vibe that emanated from him. Usually, the two ninjas bantered back and forth whenever the name topic came up. They never once associated any seriousness to it (_or at least he never does_), but it seemed Hatake decided to flip the tables this once.

Despite his insistence, Nana could not address him as informally as he seemed to enjoy doing. They were far from friends despite Hatake's casualness. They haven't been for a long time and Nana preferred it that way.

The tension between them settled deep in Nana's gut and made her squirm. She hated this caged feeling as if she were prey being hunted. Having enough of the power play, Nana rearranged her glasses with a cold countenance.

"I don't care if you like it or not." Her eyes narrowed into her most frigid glower, capable of intimidating even seasoned ANBU. "You will call me with the _proper_ honorific next time."

A languid blink.

All gravity seemed to evaporate from his body with that one simple gesture and back was the laid back shinobi she regrettably knew.

"Whatever you say, Nana-_chan_."

Nana felt the rebuke sit on the tip of her tongue_, _but like a balloon she deflated. There was no changing an old dog.

"So, what are they like?" Nana shifted the subject to a more lighthearted one, dispelling the entire dark atmosphere between them. It was far too pleasant of a day. "Your students I mean."

"They're different. Naruto likes Sakura who in turn likes Sasuke while Sasuke hates both of them." Hatake cocked his head in thought for a moment before his eye creased. "I think they're good for each other."

"Only you could think that."

Hatake's skewed logic always failed to amuse her. If there was a wedge between those three, then the jonin will have a hard time handling them. Even less if those animosities grew and festered. The silver shinobi should know as he used to be part of a dysfunctional team.

_Speaking of dysfunctional_—

"What about the Uzumaki boy?"

A far away film settled over his lone eye, no doubt memories of years past sneaking over his defenses. Whatever he might say or omit, Nana knew that the boy's presence had some sort of impact. Namikaze had left a noticeable imprint on his student and it was bound to come back and bite him in the behind.

"To tell you the truth, it's strange having him around." His finger ghosted over the rim of his untouched cup of tea, not even aware of his action as his mind concentrated on his words. "He looks so much like sensei that I sometimes forget who he actually is. His enthusiasm, his cheerfulness, his motivation. The first thing he shouted at me was that he wants to become Hokage. When I told them that if they fail my test they would be sent back to the Academy, that boy fought tooth and nail. He failed, naturally, but it was the nerve to attack me outright for the bell that astonished me."

It was the first time Nana heard actual emotion come out of the man in a very long time, but it was to be expected. Even the _great_ 'Kakashi of the Sharingan' wasn't immune to emotional backlash.

The seriousness articulated on Hatake's face fell off like autumn leaves, reverting back to his old deadpan expression.

"But then he does something stupid and I'm instantly reminded it's Naruto."

_Oh…_

"So, the apple fell far from the tree, huh?"

Hatake only shrugged.

A small electronic beep brought both ninja back to the present. Nana's wrist watch hooted, announcing the end of her lunch break. To the kunoichi's instant dismay, she hadn't even managed to eat half of her salad before unconsciously abandoning it in favor of conversing with Hatake.

She wished she could slap herself for her stupidity.

"I have to get back to the office." Nana asked the young waitress to pack her salad for home before she placed enough ryo on the table to cover her expenses (_Hatake can pay for his own drink_). "Thanks for keeping me so busy I didn't even get a chance to eat my food."

"Don't you like my company, Nana-chan?" Hatake asked as he paid his share, picked up his book and joined Nana outside of the teahouse.

"No."

The Konoha streets were buzzing with activity as the pair walked the path towards the Jonin Station, surrounded by civilians and ninja alike. Some recognized Hatake and saluted, but rarely did he offer more than a nod.

"You're a harsh woman, Nana-chan." His eye crinkled in delight, his focus on her instead of the world around them. "What will your future husband ever do with you?"

"I would've already known that, but things don't always turn out the way we want them, do they?"

The bitterness in her voice dimmed Hatake's mirth to extinction. He should've known better than saying that without expecting some repercussion.

Fortunately for him, the awkward situation was avoided by the apparition of a hawk circling above them. Nana knew that that specific bird wasn't meant for her, so that left only one person—

"I'll see you later, Nana-chan." Hatake stuffed his orange book in one of his many pouches, his back straightening with duty. "I need to go see what the Hokage wants."

"Probably wants to know if you passed the boy or not."

Nana heard about Sarutobi-donno's favoritism towards the Kyuubi carrier. The reason she knew was because many things leaked down rank if one knew how to listen and being Shikaku's personal assistant proved to be a hotspot for information.

Hatake saluted the woman and disappeared in a cloud of smoke and leaves. Nana did not even give his vacated spot a second glance as she continued on towards her destination. One of the many reason she did not enjoy Hatake's close proximity was the inevitable remembrance of matters past. Whenever they found themselves in each other's presence, Nana felt a constant heavy shadow hang between them, never once letting them forget.

Sometimes, Nana wished she had never been introduced to Hatake all those years ago. At least then he would be just a name with recognizable traits instead of someone she once genuinely cared for.

* * *

_Nana gawked at the shinobi with long, spiky silver hair in wonder. He was imposing in his impressive height, but Nana could sense no malice emanate from him. Ever since she had been old enough to understand, her mother had talked about Hatake Sakumo in poetic length. How he was amongst the strongest in the village, a famed shinobi worldwide. At times, her cheeks would flush rosy red prompting her to fluster over herself. In her tender age, Nana could not understand her mother's enthusiasm, but she linked it to an 'adult matter' and let it be._

_As the two adults conversed over their children's approaching Academy entrance ceremony, Nana's attention turned to the other child her age. He was the same height as her with his father's trademark hair only his was kept short. He stood rigid, concealing the lower half of his face with a mask while his dark grey eyes were set in boredom. Mother had mentioned that Sakumo had a son, but Nana could not remember his name._

"_Hi, my name's Nana. What's yours?"_

_She bowed just as taught. Good manners always left a good first impression, her mother always said, but the boy took one look at her before disregarding her in favor of the scenery._

_Nana felt a sting in her little heart. Had she done something wrong? Did she not bow properly? Nana looked to her mother for support, but found only a lighthearted smile directed at the pair._

"_Is your boy shy?"_

"_Nah, he's just rude." Sakumo put a hand on his son's shoulder and pushed him forward. "Kakashi, say hi to Nana-chan."_

"_Why?" The boy frowned in displeasure._

_His father sighed. It didn't appear to be the first time his son proved to be difficult._

"_Kakashi, we've talked about this."_

"_I just don't see a reason to. She's not a ninja, just a baby." Arrogance swam in his dark orbs as he observed Nana's too large glasses and lack of ninja poise. "I'll just forget it by tomorrow."_

How mean…

_The sting turned to a deep ache. Nana felt small. This boy that was the same age and height made her feel like an insect, like she did not matter. She looked over herself—she was an awkward child, gangly and with poor vision. Her oversized glasses would always slip off her nose no matter how many times she properly arranged them and she had a tendency to fret over small matters. She might not look the picture of a kunoichi in the making, but she knew she would do her best and achieve great things and no other person, ninja or otherwise, could tell her the opposite._

_Out of her pool of inferiority came a seething rage. Gradual and bubbling, it made its way towards her extremities, making the girl forget her respectful upbringing—_

"_You're a jerk!"_

_Slap!_

"_Nana!"_

_Nana felt a smidgen of remorse, but the satisfaction of seeing that haughtiness wiped off the boy's face surpassed her mother's outrage._

"_I bet you won't forget that!" Nana hissed before sticking her tongue out._

_A bellowing laughter escaped Sakumo as he watched the little drama unfold, not in the slightest upset at his son's plight. _

_Nana felt her mother tug her back and berate her manners while at the same time apologizing to the chuckling Sakumo, but Nana could not be bothered to listen. Her attention was solely on the boy in front of her, nursing his reddening cheek. His dark eyes regarded her in stunned disbelief to which Nana jutted her chin out in defiance. He didn't get to just brush her off without even the slightest knowledge beforehand._

—_If he was going to act like a jerk then she would too._

_Funny, how one impulsive act on her part had sealed their fate…_

* * *

Knock! Knock!

Nana's focus turned towards the door. She knew who it was as she felt his chakra signature before he even made his presence known, but what surprised her was the familiar one and the totally foreign signature accompanying her guest.

Sliding the door open, Nana came face to face with her cousin and two children his age. One she recognized as Choji, Shikamaru's best friend, and the other was a girl with long, straw-blond hair and pupil-less cerulean eyes.

_Must be the Yamanaka girl._

Nana's attention focused back on her cousin, a slim brow raised in question.

Shikamaru sighed as he petulantly shoved his hands into his pockets. He knew this hadn't been what she had expected. "I was gonna come alone, but then I thought about inviting Choji since I knew you wouldn't mind."

"Hey, Nana-san." Choji waved at her, a smile on his lips.

"Hello, Choji-kun." She nodded in greeting, her polite smile in place. "Good to see you again."

"And then Ino heard us and she pretty much invited herself." Shikamaru continued with a slight scowl sent the culprit's way.

"No, I didn't!" Ino hit him in the arm making Shikamaru outright glare. "We're a team. If you two are going somewhere then so am I."

"Nobody asked you to come." Shikamaru yapped as he massaged the part of his arm the girl bruised.

Crossing her arms, the girl turned to me with a stylish swish of her long ponytail. "Well, you don't mind do you, Nara-san?"

"I…guess not."

_Shikamaru was right. The girl sure is bossy._

"See." She smirked in triumph. "I'm invited."

"That's not how it works." Shikamaru facepalmed, utterly at a loss. "Shit, this is so troublesome."

Nana's wonder at her predicament changed to one of extreme disapproval as she eyeballed the younger Nara. "Don't curse, Shikamaru."

The boy grumbled under his breath as he stared off to the side, embarrassed for being reprimanded.

This was how Nana found herself with three hungry mouths to feed instead of one. It would be a lie to say that Nana was comfortable with having so many guests since, except for the clan and a few select people, nobody had ever stepped foot inside her home. But forever the well-mannered woman, Nana stepped aside to let them in.

"Come on, get inside. I don't mind more company."

As she watched the duckling procession, Nana sighed. _I'm going to have to order more takeout._

After sending another message to the restaurant, Nana returned to her living room to find only two of her guests either lounging or perusing around the room. Shikamaru could be heard busing himself in the kitchen, no doubt finishing the tea arrangement she had been distracted from once they arrived.

"You have a very…comfy home, Nara-san."

The Yamanaka girl twirled on the spot, inspecting everything about her home. It was old-fashioned in taste since Nana had never felt the need to change the furniture. That way, Nana felt like a part of her mother was still with her even after over a decade since her passing.

Nana's answer to the girl was a gracious smile. "Call me Nana, so I don't get confused to which Nara you're talking to. What did you say your name was? Ino?"

"_Yamanaka_ Ino."

Considering the current Ino-Shika-Cho formation had both boys from the head families and the information she remembered about the Yamanaka patriarch—"You're Inoichi-senpai's daughter, aren't you?"

Her face brightened. "You know my father?"

"Just professionally." As Shikaku's assistant she got to see the Head of the Analysis Unit once or twice a week. She had always found him a likeable person, from his calm presence to his perceptive abilities. All in all, he had been nothing but a gentleman towards her.

"How've you been, Nana-san?"

The kunoichi's focus turned to the heavier boy in her home. Choji looked the same as she remembered, if not with a few extra pounds on.

"Pretty much the same, Choji-kun. You must be feeling pretty happy that you got to be on the same team as Shika."

The boy smiled sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his head. "I really was afraid of being placed in some team I didn't like, but once I heard Shikamaru's name, I knew I was alright."

"Where're we gonna eat, inside or on the deck?" Shikamaru's voice came from the kitchen.

"Deck!" Nana shouted back as the faint whistle of a teapot warned its approaching limit. "Can you bring the tea once it's done infusing?"

"Already on it."

Nana felt warmth pool into her chest. However lazy or sarcastic the boy was, he always helped her without taking no for an answer. The kunoichi knew this was his way of coping with what happened, so she let him be even though she never did enjoy receiving help from others. Shikamaru was her only exception to her deeply rooted rule.

Ushering her young guests onto the engawa, Nana sat them at the low table she always had present in her small garden. A few extra cushions and the genins were settled into their places. Perhaps it was the abundant sound of bugs or the shade the plants provided, but the two were instantly attracted to the overgrown vegetation in Nana's backyard. Once upon a time, a garden had been there, one that her mother proudly lorded over. Now, it resembled anything but. Weeds and plants ran amok, creating their own lush ecosystem complete with small critters. Nana mentally reminded herself to hire someone to cut down the jungle in her backyard, as she did not exactly have the time or motivation to do it.

—For modesty's sake if not for herself.

Sitting down on her own cushion proved to be hassling and it didn't escape the children's notice. Choji already knew and had the decency to shift his view, but the Yamanaka girl observed the awkward and stiff movements with unabashed curiosity.

Before the girl could even point it out, the double screen doors slid open as Shikamaru stepped outside with a tray jam-packed with a large teapot and many multicolored porcelain cups. Settling them on the table, everyone helped themselves to some refreshing drinks.

The children made most of the conversation as they waited for the food to arrive with Nana observing them with pensive eyes. It had been a while since she had life breathed into her home. Usually, it was only her shadow that kept her company. Their young presence, laughing and bantering, brought a touch of normality to her forlorn home.

—It made Nana feel _normal_.

"Shikamaru told me you're a jonin."

Nara nodded to the Yamanaka girl's question. "I work for Shikamaru's father at the Jonin Station."

Ino leaned forward, momentarily overlooking her food. The bright sparkles in her azure eyes were unmistakable as she viewed Nana as some shiny artifact. The older kunoichi felt the familiar pressure of being shoved into the center of attention and disliked it.

"You must go on a lot of missions. Have you done any S-ranked ones?"

"I did in the past." _Feels like a lifetime ago._

"You don't get ones anymore?" Pale eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

Nana shifted uncomfortably. The Yamanaka, just like the Hyuga, had the eerie gift of staring someone down without even trying. Nana deducted that it was because of their faded pupils giving them a mysterious, otherworldly aspect. They were an anomaly in the daily life of the village, even to ninjas.

"No. I don't go on any kind of missions anymore."

"Why not?"

Nana licked the corner of her lips with heavy discomfort. The conversation was starting to turn towards the very topic she avoided at all costs, but as Nana learned with new acquaintances…it was inevitable.

"A mission gone wrong."

"What—"

"Leave it, Ino." Shikamaru cut the girl off, his glare sharper than usual. He had been eyeing her from underneath his lashes just knowing that she would broche the taboo subject.

Pause.

Just when Nana thought she was in the clear—

"So, you messed it up or…?"

She should have known the girl wouldn't leave it at that considering the way she examined her house with intense scrutiny. The girl was too curious for her own good.

"Ino!" Shikamaru snapped, his fist landing on the surface of the low table. The impact clattered the fine porcelain making Nana fear for their safety. They were family heirlooms…

The young Nara heir was not prone to aggressive behavior, even less to violence. Nana did not even remember a time where he snapped with hostility before and from Choji's thunderstruck expression, neither did he.

"What?" She defended herself, her voice rising in a shrill pitch. "I'm just asking!"

"Well, stop asking then!" He growled, both children now glaring at each other like two dogs in a fight. "Damn, you're so nosy! This is why I didn't want you coming here!"

"Hey, you don't—!"

"I lost my leg."

A profound silence cut through the hostile air like a hot blade. Ino's eyes widened to large ryo in astonishment as Shikamaru felt his trembling anger leave his body in one fell swoop.

—There. The giant elephant in the room had finally been acknowledged.

Nana loathed the fact that such a lovely day had to be destroyed by her _difficulty_, but once out there was no escaping it.

"A year and a half ago my right leg got infected." There was more to the story, but Nana did not feel inclined to divulge it, nor would it be legal considering how and where she lost it. The kunoichi made a chopping gesture just above the knee. "Doctors had to cut it off."

_Doctors…If only._

The Yamanaka girl appeared shaken as her eyes traveled down Nana's leg until they finally came upon toes peeking out from underneath long summer pants. They weren't flesh and bone, but wood, plastic and metal—a prosthetic.

"Oh Kami." Her demeanor filled with shame as she lowered her head. This was exactly what Nana did _not_ want. "I-I'm so sorry. I didn't mean—"

"It's alright." If Nana heard another apology, she would have a fit. It was enough hearing her clan's sympathies coupled with her former teammates and acquaintances. She did not need to hear it coming from a child whose only fault was curiosity. "You're not the first to ask and you won't be the last."

Ino made an attempt to say something but the words eluded her. Soon, she gave up and ate the rest of her food in silence.

Nana groaned internally. The awkwardness that came after the loss of her limb came to light settled over their once enjoyable meal. The girl wasn't the only one affected. Choji, troubled by the many passionate emotions flying around, settled into an uncomfortable quiet. Shikamaru still appeared irate as he threw not so subtle glares towards his mortified female teammate.

At this point, Nana could only hope that the three genin would finish their meal quicker than intended. The atmosphere had been ruined and it would do them no good to stew in it.

For their sake as much as hers.

* * *

Half an hour later and Choji and Ino had left the premises, intent on not visiting anytime soon. The younger Nara had been the only one to stay behind as he helped in cleaning up.

The two clansmen stood by the sink, washing and drying the cutlery and china with precise movements. The silence was deafening. Nana could still feel the anger pouring out of the boy in waves, scrapping against her being like sandpaper.

"I shouldn't have brought her here." Shikamaru started after a long pause. He had barely said two words since his altercation with his teammate and the last thing Nana wanted was for him to blame himself.

"It's alright, Shika."

"No, it wasn't. I know you hate being reminded of it and Ino can't shut her mouth to save her life. I knew it was gonna end badly."

"Stop beating yourself up." Nana frowned in displeasure. "I'm not made out of glass, Shikamaru. I've endured far worse than a bunch of prying kids."

"You don't have to, that's the point. Not after everything." Shikamaru sighed as he placed the last mug back in the cupboard. "I thought this was gonna be a relaxing evening."

"It was." That was the truth, despite the conclusion of it. "I enjoyed it."

Shikamaru remained unconvinced as he continued shelving delicate china. Nana swore, the boy barely batted an eyelash when someone insulted or picked a fight with him, but kami forgive those that wronged his friends.

_One day, he'll become a great team leader._

"Don't glower so much, Shikamaru." Nana poked his temple earning herself a deadpan glare. "You'll get frown lines like your father."

"I'm just worried about you."

"Kid, I'm way older than you." Despite her gratefulness towards his emphatic nature, Nana felt a distinctive jolt that left her with a sour taste in her mouth. "That'll be the day when a twelve year old has to take care of me."

Her words might appear unkind, but Nana had her reasons. She despised people that thought her weak or unable to perform a task even before losing her leg. Even if the situation seemed so now, she chose not to acknowledge it. Shikamaru might think he was doing her a favor, but he was simply nailing in the undeniable truth that Nana was a _cripple_ and for that she despised him a little bit. This was someone who had the entire world ahead of him. The one that once got his head out of the clouds, would become a renowned shinobi.

—He would, at one point, surpass her and Nana would remain forgotten even by him.

As she listened to his apprehensive sighs, Nana felt ashamed. This boy did not need to burden himself with the problems of others. He should be a twelve year old, his only concern being training or girls or whatever preteens worried about and leave the complicated difficulties of life to the seasoned adults.

"I'm alright, Shika. _Truly_."

* * *

Before night settled entirely, Shikamaru headed for home and Nana was left to her own devices. The kunoichi sat by the window, staring out into the startles sky.

_Alright, indeed._

Nana hadn't been alright in over a year now, the damned leg forever reminding her of what she lost. It hadn't been just a limb that had been taken away, but her entire life—her dream, her purpose, her very spirit. Crushed underneath the cruelties of life.

Each passing day became harder to bear. Waking up, knowing that the feeling of toes wriggling was just a phantom sensation caused by her still accommodating brain. Knowing that once she looked down, she would still be one leg short no matter how much she wished otherwise.

Why her? What did she do to deserve this fate? Those were questions she would often ask herself, especially in the twilight. Whenever the silence became too loud to endure, Nana would exhaust herself with her miserable thoughts. Her therapist had given her advice on what to do once the onslaught began, but for the life of her, Nana could not recollect it.

She had been on the right path towards making a name out of herself. Her record had been impeccable, her mission success rate even better. Her strength and abilities had been on par with any grizzled jonin. Hell, she had even been invited to join ANBU and all of that came to a shocking halt in less than two weeks. The worst days of her life that even now gave her severe PTSD, sending her into a disturbing spiral of panic attacks and hysteria.

All those years of grueling training sessions, the countless days and nights spent studying tomes after tomes, the personal sacrifices to ensure a successful career, the people she cut off so they wouldn't drag her back, the emotions and desires she suppressed for the greater good, the ass kissing and keeping her mouth shut even when she wanted nothing but to spit the person next to her.

—All of that for _nothing_.

Where was she now? A glorified secretary that blended into the scenery. Whenever she accompanied Shikaku in his work, she faded away in his shadow, no longer a ninja of the village but simply an assistant that was deadlier with a _pen_ than a kunai. She had been reduced to background noise.

Nana let out a shuddering breath. Her entire body was alive with an electric tremble. It was the lightning before the storm. At present, Nana was balancing herself on a thin wire, desperately keeping herself afloat from what lay underneath. One wrong step and the abyss would swallow her up whole and spit her out a mangled mess. The last thing she needed was to experience another relapse and find herself back in psychic care.

With rigidity, Nana walked to her bedroom and settled in for the night. Sleep was the only respite from the menace of her overworking brain. Once she succumbed to the world of unconsciousness there would be no more demons chasing after her, the pills would make sure of that.

Settling on the soft mattress, Nana took off her prosthetic leg and gingerly kneaded the soreness in her stump. Even after months of physical recovery, the phantom pain never completely vanished, especially after hours of standing or walking. A pressure accumulated like an ongoing headache and Nana thanked kami whenever she reached the comfort of her home.

It was an ugly sight and Nana still could not get used to it entirely. There were nights where she dreamed that she was whole, running and fighting and training, only to wake up to this unpleasant reality where the most she could do was a power jog. At least she did not have to walk with a cane anymore. She had physically and mentally pushed herself to overcome that dreaded obstacle to achieve some sort of normalcy in her life.

Nana stared with outside apathy, but the more she regarded the emptiness a gradual pressure grew in the middle of her chest. The silence of the night transformed into the low buzz of a hornet's nest, and before she could stop it, Nana heard the all too familiar voices echo around her like ominous wraiths.

_"Oh, Kami! Get off me! Let me go!"_

_"Stop squirming! We have to do this! There's no other way!"_

_"No! Please no!"_

Nana choked.

The effect was immediate as the contents of her stomach climbed up her throat. The feared memory always managed to nauseate her to the point of tears—the smell of copper and bitter-sweet death flooded her mouth, the sound of sawed flesh and snapped bones were like a sharp rake shredding through her brain. It was enough to send her into a frenzy.

With hasty movements, Nana hopped over to the bathroom and crumbled next to the toilet bowl just in time as the food she ate not too long ago came rushing back. Like a torrential flood it gushed out, burning her throat and making tears streak down her cheeks. As the last heave left her lungs, Nana rested her trembling body against the tiled wall, catching her ragged breath.

She was numb. Her entire body felt cold and hot altogether, her skin a touch paler.

This was the eye of the storm as her therapist put it. The sensation of complete helplessness, being at the mercy of her backfiring brain and uncooperative body. An overwhelming feeling of despair settled deep in her gut and consumed from the inside, choking the last remaining bits of her life.

This wasn't what her life was supposed to be like. Braving through a panic attack with her head in a toilet bowl while silent tears poured down her cheeks. She was supposed to be happy. Life wasn't supposed to be one struggle after another, popping an array of pills and hoping everyday a building would topple over and crush her so she didn't have to endure this sad life anymore.

The only good part of her life were the pills letting her continue on dredging like a golem. If it hadn't been for them, she might not have been alive today to type anymore files and to be honest…she didn't know which of those two was worse.


	3. Genin Shenanigans

A large yawn broke through the stoic mask Nana wore on her way to work. The streets of Konohagakure were semi-deserted in the wake of a new morning, the civilians only now preparing to open shop. The only early birds were herself and the shinobi fast-pacing over the rooftops, no doubt on their way towards their respective posts.

It had been a long, exhausting night for Nana. The pain had stuck to her like a vampire, sucking the energy out of her veins. A light headache settled in the middle of her temple from lack of proper sleep and too much caffeine, and followed her into the new day. It wasn't the first time it happened and she knew it wouldn't be the last. The only good thing was that Nana tended to bring a small portion of her work back home just in the eventuality of her leg acting up again. Immersing herself in tedious paperwork helped her forget the pain and block out the sordid memories, even if it was for a short time.

Nana lightly stumbled as a group of young Academy students almost ran her over in their haste. They barely acknowledged her as they played with their wooden shurinkens and kunais, laughing and enjoying the few moments they had until the sound of the bell announced the start of class.

Anyone else would have cooed at the sight of their rosy cheeks and infectious joy, but Nana sneered. Beside the fact that they hadn't even apologized for almost toppling her over, their happiness made her feel out of place. She was a drained mess with shadows underneath her eyes, a headache, strained features and palpitating heart and those little mandrakes had the gall to be happy.

_It isn't fair._

If it weren't for the high-pitched yell that broke the silence of the sunny morning followed by a bad-tempered bellow, Nana's day would have been a gloomy stew of dark and melancholic judgments. Pinpointing the location of those ungodly screeches, Nana regretted her curiosity as her gaze landed on a group of genin led by the one man that could make her day turn from bad to worse.

Her mind worked furiously. There was quite a distance between her and the group and Nana had a good chance of remaining unnoticed if she left that very moment. To her greater luck, Hatake seemed to be more enamored with his book than trying to diffuse the tension between his three little wards who appeared seconds away from starting a public brawl. The only problem was that the short route to her destination led right through the loud bunch.

—Brave the pain known as Hatake or choose the long road and potentially be late for the first time since she began working for Shikaku?

It didn't even take a second to decide. Nana turned on her heel and marched off into a different direction as fast as the damned prosthetic leg allowed her. She'd rather lose a minute or two of her spotless record than cross paths with that particular jonin.

"Nana-chan!"

_Oh frick…_

She swore the man had some kind of radar whenever she was in his immediate area. He could pinpoint her with disconcerting accuracy even when she hid her chakra. Nana weighted her options—if she ran, the damned silver-haired shinobi would catch her with ease. Nana was not match for him anymore. Hell, even his students could outrun her without shedding one drop of sweat. With reluctance, Nana turned to see Hatake waving while his three genin ended their argument and gawked her way. With an exasperated sigh, the kunoichi walked over to them, her decision made.

_On the flip side, now I won't have to ruin my record._

"Hatake-san, good morning."

"Morning, Nana-chan." As usual, Hatake's eye crinkled whenever he saw her. Either it was a reflex or it was a subtle way to further annoy her, Nana was torn between the two.

"Who're you?"

The one to ask so bluntly was the blond of the group. He was short for his age and wore an atrocious bright orange and blue jumpsuit. His sun-kissed hair was spiked and looked like it hadn't met a comb in years. His large cerulean eyes sparkled with mischief and vitality while strange markings accentuated his chee—

_Ah._

_The Jinchuriki._

"I'm Nara Nana." The kunoichi's voice hardened a few octaves. Even her eyes narrowed in response to the knowledge that she was standing so close to the dark being that changed so many lives twelve years ago.

The Jinchuuriki must have picked up on Nana's taciturnity as some of the spark left his baby blues. Her aloofness didn't seem to dampen his mood, though, or at least he didn't show it. It shouldn't be the first time the boy was confronted with similar negative behavior. The people of Konoha had been made aware of his status as a Bijuu carrier the moment the beast had been sealed inside him. Nana had always seen that as a flaw of judgement on the Third Hokage's part. The man must have believed in the goodness of the people's hearts, but what he didn't factor in were the many lives that had been lost in the Nine-Tails attack or the ones left to pick up the pieces. Nana, as one pertaining to the latter group, held a deep seated fear and loathing for the powerful chakra beast. She had witnessed the damage it had caused, personally affecting her. Knowing that _it_ lived inside the walls of their village made her skin crawl in terror. She held the belief that if it happened once then it would happen again, transporting them into that twisted nightmare all those years ago and this time, they didn't have a Namikaze Minato to sacrifice himself for the greater good.

The kunoichi was highly aware that the boy was not at fault for what had happened. The only crime he was guilty of was being unlucky enough to be chosen for the isolated duty as host. Unfortunately, the villagers could not or would not make that distinction as their maddened grief surpassed reason. Ever since he had been a baby, the boy had been shunned, spat on and neglected by adults. Nana could not even fathom what growing up must have been like, especially ignorant of the reason as he had been and still was to her knowledge.

Sinisterly, she wondered if the boy had ever contemplated suici—

"Heh, your name's weird."

The boy's amusement didn't last long as a fist crashed over his head.

"Naruto, stop being an idiot!" The only female of the group bared her teeth before doing a turn in personality and greeting Nana with a polite smile. "Nara? You're part of Shikamaru-san's clan, right?"

"…Yes."

_You know, I've seen a lot of strange things in my short life but never bon-bon pink hair. Especially not pink hair on what seems to be a rather scary little girl. _

"Are you friends of his?" She inquired, hopeful that maybe her cousin's circle consisted of more than one friend.

"No."

"Not really."

"Sure!"

_Diverse group, this one._

"Nana-chan, this is my team." Hatake closed his awful book before pointing at each student in turn. "Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke. Team 7, meet my friend, Nana-chan."

_We're not friends._

"Pleased to meet you." Nana said instead, her eyes roaming over their dirtied countenance. The children were sitting in the middle of a destroyed garden, their gloved hands splattered with earth and dead leaves. Even their exposed toes were caked in dirt. "Pulling weeds, huh?"

"Yeah." Naruto wiped the sweat off his forehead, oblivious to the fact that he smeared grime all over his skin. "We got stuck with this crappy assignment."

"Don't curse." Nana had a low tolerance for foul language, especially when it came from children's mouths. It screamed bad education. "Children shouldn't use such foul words."

"I'm not a kid! I'm a ninja, datebayo!"

_Date—what?_

Nana's slim brow arched over her red-rimmed glasses. Children were in such a hurry to grow up these days, never once enjoying their childhood. Well…all but Shikamaru. He tried to delay adulthood as long as possible, especially the responsibilities that came with it.

"Boy, you still have a long road ahead of you until you can be called a shinobi."

Nana chose to ignore the stink eye. Arguing with someone more than ten years her junior wasn't worth the effort.

"You shouldn't diminish the importance of the missions given to you." The kunoichi straightened her back as she lectured Hatake's unruly students. "They strive you to be better people and citizens of this village. They advance you in your abilities."

"Advance in what? Gardening?" Naruto's eyes widened in annoyance as he waved his arms around the muck he stood in. "Lady, do I look like a fu—"

Glare.

"—gardener?"

"Trust me, it gives you a different perspective."

The children looked unconvinced as they stared reproachfully at the remains. Nana frowned in confusion at the holes dug in the earth and the trampled plants. _Were they supposed to make it better or worse?_

"So, Nana-chan." Hatake stepped closer with a lazy gait, his hands in his pocket. "Where are you headed off to this morning? The Jonin Station is the other way."

"Commander has some business at the Hokage Tower."

"Hmmm…Maybe we'll see each other there. After we finish here, we just have to find a cat and then I'll turn in our daily mission reports to the Hokage. It shouldn't take too long."

While her mask remained unfazed, inside Nana was lamenting her fate. She did not possess the patience for him in front of the Hokage. She couldn't outright snap at him if he decided to do or say anything that might embarrass her. Nana hoped he possessed at least that much professionalism to be formal.

"Commander won't be staying there long. We might not meet."

Like an 'oblivious' fool to her rejection, he tilted his head with that crinkle in his eye. "Aaaw, Nana-chan, don't be like that. We haven't seen each other these past few days and I know you must be angry that I haven't visited you."

"No, I'm actually alright." The precious time away from the jonin given by whatever merciful kami was out there had been a profuse blessing. No more disrupted work, no more intruders on her meal breaks. Perfect. "We should definitely keep this up. You're busy and I'm busy. Best stay out of each other's way."

His smile widened, but what really troubled her was the far-away film that settled over his lone eye. "You know I can't leave you alone, Nana-chan."

The kunoichi's blushing was saved by the loudmouth boy in orange—

"Oi, Kakashi-sensei…" Suspicious eyes traveled between the two adults before an impish grin had him looking like the fox he was. "Is she your girlfriend?"

—Or not.

"No!"

"Yes."

Nana's eyes widened, making her appear bug-eyed behind her lenses.

"What?! Stop playing around!"

Kakashi put up his hands in a placating manner, but never once did his good disposition leave him. Her fluster actually seemed to deepen his playful mood.

"Aw, Nana-chan. You're breaking my heart." He could barely restrain his laughter behind that false puppy dog eye. "Does this mean we're splitting up?"

"Ugh! You're worse than a child!"

Forgoing her perfect composure, Nana stomped her good foot in frustration. The man always brought out the worst in her. She wished she could just hit him over the head with her messenger bag, but she had to be the mature one. The adult.

The petite kunoichi giggled behind her palm as she watched the interaction between her mentor and the Nara woman. Naruto outright cackled while Sasuke merely watched with indifference.

"I'm leaving." Nana announced before saluting the three genin. She had had enough of Hatake's teasing for one day. "Good luck with the weeds, children."

The three all said their goodbyes in their own fashion—the girl respectfully, the Jinchuriki exuberantly and the Uchiha boy without a word or care.

Nana walked past Hatake, ignoring him. She would not play along with his games and let him embarrass her.

"See you later, Nana-chan!"

"Up yours." In uncharacteristic fashion, Nana hissed underneath her breath. She dreaded their eventual meetup at the Tower. If he continued with his shenanigans, she swore she would lose all semblance of self-control and jump down his throat.

Wouldn't that be a scene? Not even Shikaku would be able to pry her away from mangling Hatake's face and the best part was that she wouldn't even be sorry for it.

* * *

As always, Minato wore that gentle smile that melted away any woman's heart. Hashirama looked regal while his brother, Tobirama, pointed his famous arctic glare at anyone curious enough, and Sarutobi's grave face uttered wisdom beyond his years.

Nana swore she could see a wrinkle near the young, deceased Hokage's eye.

_Ugh…_

—How much time had she lost staring at their portraits?

Boredom was a fickle mistress. Her presence in this meeting did not hold any significance aside from taking mental and physical notes, and handling documents to her Commander. Shikaku had his hands full with the Hokage, advising him on both internal and external matters, and occasionally squabbling with the others advisors. While Nana found their conversation fascinating, sometimes it bordered on tedious politics that Nana tended to tune out.

The meeting had been going on for hours and there didn't seem to be any end in sight. Initially, they had started out in the Kage's office and then moved to a room open to the public where the Sandaime either accepted or rejected new missions from traders, nobles, lords or the daimyo. Councilors, scribes and accountants were also present, their purpose to advise the Hokage in all village related matters. But what really frustrated Nana was the fact that at any moment now Hatake could barge in and—

The heavy, double doors of the room opened and Nana felt her shoulders slump.

_Speak of the Devil and he shall appear._

Hatake Kakashi and his genin team entered, dirty, scratched and with a struggling cat in hand. Nana's brow rose high as she observed the cat swipe its sharp claws at the blond's face, causing him to curse out loud.

"Tora-chan!"

What followed next was something that left the kunoichi with mixed emotions. A part of her felt pity for the poor orange tabby cat that was currently being squeezed to death by the daimyo's rubenesque wife and the other part wanted to laugh at the cat's actual look of horror of being returned to its overtly-affectionate owner. As the daimyo's wife left promising the cat that she will never let it out of its sight, Nana disguised her guffaw with a cough.

Hatake stepped forward and presented the Sandaime with his finished mission reports. The old shinobi inspected them with the help of a pair of small circular glasses and hummed deeply. It didn't take long to write off the reports as successful and move on to the next assignments.

All the while, Hatake sneaked glances at the kunoichi to which she responded with a glower. He should be focused on the Hokage not on pestering her. His genin must have taken a page from his book as they stood bored out of their minds while the Hokage droned on with their next assignments. Nana felt rage bubble in her stomach at the lack of proper conduct in the face of the leader of the village.

"Team 7, your next duty will be babysitting an elder's grandson, shopping in the neighboring village and help with the potato—"

"No! No! No! Hell no!" To Nana's utter astonishment, the Jinchuriki boy exploded in a lively temper tantrum. Even her ever serious Commander lifted a curious brow at his behavior. "I wanna do a more incredible mission! Find us a better one!"

"How dare you!" Like a tornado, Nana rose from her seat, dropping her bag to the floor. Never, in all her years, had she seen someone disrespect the Hokage in such a bratty fashion. She heard that the boy was notoriously difficult, but this time he crossed the line. "You're just a rookie! You don't make demands, you follow orders!"

"But we keep getting the crappiest missions possible!" He stomped his foot in indignation as if he was the one being wronged.

"You little—!"

The hand clenching Nana's arm effectively stopped her from climbing over the large desk and administrating some serious discipline. Shikaku's silent reprimand was severe, his gaze whispering 'settle down'. With a deep calming breath, Nana settled back in her seat, embarrassment for her rash behavior coloring her cheeks.

Hatake seemed to snap out of his stupor as he did the deed for Nana by knocking the blond on top of his head, but what Nana found curious was that the old Kage didn't even seem disturbed by the boy's outburst. He seemed had been expecting it. Leaning forward, Sarutobi clasped his wrinkled hands on top of the impressive mahogany table. Mahogany…

"It seems I have to explain what these duties are all about."

Somewhere along the Sandaime's detailed explanation on missions categorized by ranks, Nana lost touch as she watched the Jinchuriki lose focus within the first few seconds and plop down on the floor with his arms crossed. The kunoichi almost choked on incredulity as she watched the boy start conversing with his teammates on what his dinner would consist of.

_Are you kidding me?!_

At some point even the Hokage noticed that his young audience forgo listening.

"Hey!"

Hatake rubbed the back of his head as he apologized for his student's behavior.

"All you do is give me lectures!" The boy yelled from his cross-legged position. "But you know what? I'm not the trouble-making brat you still think I am!"

The Hokage seemed to pause as he took a drag out of his pipe. His large hat loomed over his face, hiding the internal struggle he was battling, but no matter how much he tried, he couldn't hide the faint smile creaking his lips.

Nana's growing temper remained focused on Hatake as she silently implored him to control his pupil, but the jonin could only shrug.

"Alright."

Nana's mind croaked.

"If you want it that much…" The 'God of Shinobi' smirked as he placed his chin on his interlaced fingers. "I'll give you a C-rank mission. Protection of a certain individual."

Everyone in the room was left dumbstruck. Even the Commander peered at the Hokage with a (_pardon my language_) 'what the fuck' look.

Nana's glasses slipped down the bridge of her nose in astonishment. Did she step into a parallel dimension where a brat commanding a leader of a village was possible? Either that or the Hokage had a momentary aneurysm and lost his marbles. Whichever it was, the effect was like falling dominoes. The councilors jumped to their feet, all voicing their disapproval of the Hokage's decision. Shikaku didn't, though. He remained calm as he tried to decipher the Sandaime's motives. This wasn't exactly a sound judgment, even for him.

Holding onto the back of the Commander's chair, Nana tried to control the fury wreaking havoc throughout her body. The wood began to groan from the force she applied as that piece of furniture was the only thing keeping Nana from strangling the bone-headed jonin. What the hell was he thinking letting his students dictate their own missions? They were barely out of the Academy. They had no right to such impudence.

Nana didn't even hear when the Hokage called for the man that had requested the mission to step inside the room nor when the man ruthlessly belittled the three genin, annoying Uzumaki the most.

No.

Her eyes were only on _one_ person.

* * *

"Kakashi!"

As soon as she had been able, Nana left the Commander's side via a bathroom excuse. Like a bloodhound caught on a scent, she chased down the man she desperately wanted to pummel. He stood outside the Tower with his team, speaking to their complete attention. Once finished, Hatake waved them away to prepare for their trip to Wave Country while he dealt with the fuming kunoichi.

"You actually called me by my name, Na—"

"Not now!" Her patience was far too short at the moment to deal with his foolishness. "What the _frick_ was that back there?"

"I think it was rather clear."

Nana could not understand his nonchalance and neither did she wish to.

"You can't do that, Hatake-san. You can't let your twelve-year old student speak like that to the Hokage. This is not some market where everyone shouts their way into a cheap deal. That was the head of our village!"

Kakashi sighed as he leaned against the wall, hands in his pocket.

"I didn't think Naruto would do that, but it seems I underestimated him. The Hokage didn't seem to mind, though."

"That's because he's too attached to that boy and Uzumaki took advantage of that. You should teach your student some manners and respect for his betters."

"You give him too much credit, Nana-chan." Kakashi chuckled at her conclusion. "Naruto didn't have an ulterior motive with the Sandaime. He's not that type of person. He simply expressed his honesty on D-rank missions. But I think the better question is—why are you so upset, Nana-chan?"

_Is he serious?_

"Do you think I let blatant disrespect just fly by? Just because that boy is a Biju carrier, it doesn't excuse his behavior."

Kakashi listened through her reason with a half-lidded stare and to anyone watching, he made it seem like every word was blatantly ignored, but Nana knew better. The cogs were turning inside that head of his.

"No, that's not it." He bulldozed through her words. "Is it because the Sandaime gave him _that_ particular mission?"

Nana paused, a cool awareness chilling her inflamed temper. There was a slight breeze in the air swaying the locks of chocolate brown hair that had loosened out of her immaculate bun.

"…You remember how it was for us?"

The tone of her voice had the jonin straighten up, his hands slipping out of his pockets.

"We both graduated early from the Academy, not because we were ready, but because so many shinobi were dying in the war that they needed to fill in those ranks somehow. So they sent ten-year olds in battle without even considering the repercussions." Nana could still vividly remember her first clash with death. It had been nothing short of traumatizing. "But now things are different—we're at peace; there is no reason to send a group of children on a mission such as this and you know as well as I do that something is wrong with this assignment. No bridge-builder needs a ninja escort, not without a reason. That man was just trying to swindle us into a cheaper deal."

Nana pointed back into the inner sanctum of the Tower, sterner than ever.

"Refuse the mission."

"The Hokage wanted us to take this mission. I'm not going to disobey his orders."

A desperate sort of urgency clawed at her insides making Nana reach the end of her patience.

"Do you understand that if something goes wrong, those kids could _die_? Do you really need any more deaths on your conscience or are you just a masochist?"

The wind seemed to halt in effect of the tension between the two ninja. Something shifted in silver-haired jonin. Not obvious, just a subtle straightening of his spine and an emptying of his eye, but Nana knew all too well the change. This was the old Hatake, the one with ANBU renown. The killer.

Nana felt his icy glower like a lash over her skin. She never did enjoy this side of him. It always felt like a completely different person took over his body and manipulated his limbs to their Machiavellian ends. This was a part of Hatake that had been scrupulously groomed by ANBU, to turn him to an indoctrinated soldier that knew nothing but commands and the smell of blood. Nana could still remember the first time she saw him after joining the shadow ranks and she had honestly been _terrified_ of his transformation.

—Even now, she thanked her lucky stars that she had had half the mind to refuse their offer all those years ago.

"I wouldn't have accepted that mission if I didn't think I could protect them if something dangerous did happen. It'll be _fine_, Nana-chan."

The stony tension diffused with the apparition of Hatake's cheerful facade. In the blink of an eye, the jonin slipped back into his usual laidback character, discarding his momentary lapse of control as if it had never happened. With experience came the inevitable masks. Nana herself had her own methods to disguise her true feelings, but sometimes Hatake surprised her with how effective and swift he was with his. More often than not, her remarks would simply bounce off his impenetrable wall, but in those rare occasions where she did manage to slip through the cracks, Nana felt a twisted euphoria seize her. Seeing him troubled brought back that _exquisite_ feeling from their childhood whenever they competed against each other and she emerged victorious.

At times, it made her wonder what actually lay behind his outward apathy but then that sharp, cynical voice inside her head reminded her that his inner self was of no importance to her. However, whatever thoughts swam in the jonin's pool, Nana knew her cutting words had deeply affected him.

"Have some faith."

Nana remained still as Hatake disappeared in a puff of smoke and leaves, excusing himself to prepare for his mission.

Defeat never tasted bitterer.

Nana felt her fingers curl into bone-white fists as her fury was left in the wind. It shouldn't be her problem. If Hatake wanted to destroy those children then he was free to it. His problems meant nothing to Nana except the knowledge that she had been right. It wasn't like she expected anything better from him. But…

If it wasn't her problem, then why did she still feel like she wanted to _scream_ at the heavens?

* * *

Konohagakure was a beautiful place. Nana had always believed that her village was among the most prettiest, from its bountiful summers to its cool winters. An abundance of plant life painted the village, making it a lively and colorful country to live in.

Admiring her home from a vantage point had once been a pastime for Nana. The higher she got, the better it was whether it was a wiring pole, a tall tree or the Hokage monument itself. The view was always breathtaking, but as her mangled body did not permit that sort of stress anymore, she resigned herself to the top of the buildings whenever she had the chance. The Hokage Tower was her current vantage point. She found no disturbance there, just herself and the summer breeze. A quiet solitude to bask in as she recollected herself from the one-sided heated discussion with Hatake. It was an unpleasant feeling being unable to vent her anger in any shape or form. In the past, she used to train with vehemence to the point of unconsciousness, but now she was left with nothing but stewing in her own wrath. Different outlets had been offered to her at the insistence of her therapist, but Nana was never one to lose her cool. Whatever disturbed her she kept it under tight reign, letting it fester and grow. Showing emotion was not part of a ninja's life and Nana used to despise those that did, viewing them as weak and without a smidgen of self-control. Now, she simply envied them for their courage and openness while she remained stunted.

"What's wrong, Nana?"

Her heart skipped a beat.

Just out of reach, leaned the Commander against the rooftop's rail. Nana bristled as his sudden appearance. Had she been that deep in thought that she had not even sensed his arrival? Unacceptable.

An unlit cigarette lay between his lips as her forgotten messenger bag rested against his hip. He appeared the picture of somber nonchalance, but Nana knew that underneath he was both questioning and concerned. Shikaku was a hard man to read as he projected a gruff exterior, but she had seen the many different shades of him. The man cared deeply for even the most recluse of his clan.

Nana's back straightened, professionalism settling back into her bones like a faithful glove.

"Nothing, sir."

Shikaku hummed deep in his throat as smoke floated above his head from his now lit cigarette. A pensive air emanated from him as he looked Nana directly in the eye.

"It's _me_ you're talking to right now, not the Jonin Commander or the Clan leader."

The rigidity in her muscles melted away like ice on a hot summer day. The breath she had been holding wheezed past her lips with a small grunt. While her body relaxed, her mask remained in place. It was one thing to be casual and quite another to be fully honest and exposed. Nana was not an adept of sharing her full-self with others, especially burdening her patriarch with her problems, but this particular issue related to someone both dear to each other, him more than her.

"Shikaku …" She started solemnly. "Don't ever let Shikamaru risk his life for something beyond his capabilities."

The Nara headman nodded in understanding. "This is about Hatake and his team."

"The Sandaime should have never given them that assignment." Even though some time had passed since the decision, Nana could still taste the astringent flavor left in the wake of the meeting.

"I agree. Those three aren't ready for the outside world yet. No twelve-year old is these days." He sighed as he plucked his cigarette from his mouth. "We don't make them as we used to."

"Thank Kami for that."

"Mhmm…"

"I'm not overreacting." She sniffed as she pushed her glasses back over her nose. Darn things always had a habit of slipping, especially on warm days. "I know what I'm talking about. I lived through it for Kami's sake. No matter the age, children should never be placed in high-risk situations. They're not emotionally equipped to deal with the horror of battle. That's why we fought in the first place, so this generation could grow up without knowing how a corpse smells after a week rotting in the trenches. Without knowing how it's like to look someone in the eye, friend or foe, as they breathed their last breath."

The horrors of the Third War still haunted Nana at night. She tried not to dwell on them, but they had the sneaky habit of worming their way to the surface when the quiet got too loud.

"Sooner or later, every ninja confronts himself with death." Shikaku proclaimed with gravity. "This is our way of life. It's inevitable."

"But it doesn't have to be this soon."

The words ninja and death were practically synonymous. Choose that particular profession and one chose to trade in death, but that did not mean forcing children in doing it. A great example would be Uchiha Itachi—he went mad and slaughtered his whole clan because of the pressure forced on him at such a tender age.

"Hatake is doing the exact opposite. Instead of keeping those kids from seeing how ugly the world really is for just a few more years, he's leading them towards it." She scoffed. "He'll never change. That man will forever put everyone at risk because of his need to fuel his arrogance."

"Hatake is not the same as he was ten years ago. He's changed." Shikaku's gruff facade softened as he gazed at Nana with an unknown emotion. "You'll never forgive him, will you?"

Awkwardness assaulted the kunoichi. She had always felt a certain level of apprehension speaking about the subject even after years had passed. Unfortunately, it would always be a part of her just like her shadow that followed wherever she walked.

"I've tried." Nana managed to control the sorrow from spilling over. She wished to avoid her patriarch thinking less of her, but the man was not one to believe showing emotion was weakness. It was Nana's pride that wouldn't allow her. "Kami knows, I thought that maybe the years would let the matter rest, but every time I see him I have to be reminded that because of him I lost the only thing I had left in this world. Tell me, Shikaku, how am I supposed to forgive him?"

The scarred man shook his head, making the fur around his neck swish as his spiky hair brushed against it.

"I can't answer that for you, Nana. That's something you have to find out for yourself. The way I see it, you're faced with a tough dilemma—either cut your ties or forgive and move on. Until you do that, you'll never have that peace of mind you crave so much."

A weak smile pulled at the corner of her lips, but it felt anything less than thrilled. "Are those my only options?"

"The sky is the limit."

The smile turned to a genuine one as Nana gazed at the man—Shikaku was one of the few men in her life that she deeply respected and cared about unconditionally. In her eyes, he was the father she never had and wished she did. He had his faults, but she wouldn't trade him as clan leader and mentor for anyone in the world.

—Shikamaru was lucky to have a father like him.

"Thank you for the words, Shikaku. They're very much appreciated."

A faint smile grazed the ever somber man's lips.

Nana's heart felt lighter. The anger that had accumulated in wake of this afternoon fleeted away to nothing but serenity. Talking did help as her therapist put it, and it felt better since it was a familiar ear that listened instead of a stranger's.

Deep inside, she prayed to Kami that Shikamaru would never walk her path. That he could grow up in a peaceful time instead of a war-torn one where death was just another mundane fact of the day; where not even the sight of a corpse could stir a reaction, everything inside the mind bathed in apathy. But knowing the capricious world of daimyos ready to squabble at the first slight, Nana knew it was a lost hope. It was a game of war to them with ninjas as the disposable peons on their boards. If one was taken out, there were always others ready to take its place.

A small beep came from Nana's wristwatch, alerting her to the time. All things good must come to an end and wake to the inevitability of reality. With fluidity, Nana slithered back into her official façade, ready to embrace the rest of her work day.

"We should head back to the Station, sir. You have a meeting with Ibiki Morino in an hour and you know how strict he is about punctuality."

Shikaku smirked as he threw his finished cigarette over the side of the building.

"How could I forget."


	4. Memories of Days Past

Sip. Sip.

Smile.

Blueberry and blackberry tea. Not a preferred combination as Nana had never been a fan of fruity tea, but blueberry was a favorite and so, exceptions were made.

It was a hot afternoon and Nana had taken refuge in her favorite local for some cool shade, but no matter how hard she tried to enjoy her meal in peace, her mind inevitably came back to the same train of thought—Hatake and his team hadn't reported in over a week. The border patrol reported that they passed into Wave a couple of days ago, and by this time, they should have already accomplished their mission. Wave was one of the tiniest countries on the continent and escorting the bridge-builder across the water wouldn't have taken long. His success account should have been on the Commander's desk by now, but the continuous silence had Nana believe that something went awry.

Her grip on the cup tensed. They should have made a serious inquiry into the bridge-builder's motive for wanting a ninja escort. Nana just knew that the delay had something to do with the man's shady story, but village funding had been tight for the past year and as such, Konoha accepted whatever missions were offered.

_I hate it when I'm right…_

The bell to the shop jingled, disturbing the kunoichi's murky reflections. For a split moment, Nana almost expected Hatake to walk through the door, her heart skipping a beat, but instead it was a surprise that left Nana squirming in her seat.

—Sarutobi Asuma and Yuhi Kurenai.

They were smiling and chatting like two fresh honeymooners, a faint rosy hue across Kurenai's cheeks. Nana had heard the rumors and it wouldn't be so far-fetched to believe them. Even as teens, Asuma chased after the girl with the relentlessness of a dog, but then left to become part of the Daimyo's personal guard and had been for seven years. He only ended his guarding duty and returned to the village a year ago. Perhaps the two decided to rekindle the old flame and ride its waves, see where it took them.

Her first sighting of Asuma after he returned to the village had been at the Jonin Station. Nana had actually hid from his sight, a small panic overcoming her. At that time, the notion of crossing paths with him felt horrifying since the last time they saw each other Nana had been whole and not one limb short.

The second time had been even worse. They had been walking a long corridor in opposite directions. Panic had seized Nana once again, but left with no wall to hide behind, she remained exposed. With her mind screaming and her expression blank, she braved the storm, but…nothing happened. Asuma had simply walked by. Perhaps it had been the mountain of paperwork she had been carrying or the seven year gap, but Asuma had looked right _through_ her. In that moment, she had never felt more insignificant. She realized then how the scribes and other office ninja felt like. Before, Nana had barely given them any attention, sometimes not even noticing them and now it seemed she was doomed to walk the same path.

The two jonin walked over to the counter where the teenage waitress was, pleasantly conversing with her. Nana held her breath. She hoped to the heavens that the pair would order their lunch and leave without noticing her. While Asuma may not recognize her anymore, Kurenai did and Nana would rather avoid that situation entirely. The conversation between them could get awkward real fast and Nana did not wish to ruin the remains of her day.

Just as that thought ended, Kurenai looked around the tea shop in faint curiosity. Nana felt her heart leap in her throat as those crimson doe-eyes landed on her before moving on and then swiftly backtracking.

_Ugh…_

Nana could see the spark of recognition set in and Kurenai waved with a surprised smile. On reflex, Nana waved back hoping that that would be the end, but the kunoichi's luck had diminished for some time now. Kurenai whispered something to her friend and in an instant, Asuma whipped around astonished and found Nana within a second.

_Here they come…_

Nana could feel the beginnings of a headache, but outwardly she assumed a relaxed pose with a faint smile on her lips. She might as well get this over quick.

"Kurenai-san. Asuma-san. It's good to see you."

"Hey, Nana." Kurenai smiled, a pleasant turn of her cupid lips.

"Holy shit, Nana! I haven't seen you in years!"

Asuma spread his arms wide and to Nana's utter mortification, he bear hugged her in her seat. The kunoichi sat still as a frightened rabbit until the shinobi disentangled and gave her room to breathe. Even her glasses had skewed from the force of his embrace, making her fuss over them. That had been amongst the most awkward hugs (_on my part_) she had ever been in, the number one place being held by Konoha's 'Green Beast' which Nana will never speak about.

Asuma grinned broadly as he sat cross-legged opposite Nana at her table, not at all put off by her lifelessness. Kurenai followed the shinobi's actions, but Nana had remarked her minute hesitation.

It was staggering how much Asuma had changed. Nana could barely recognize him with his hair cut short compared to his past favoritism of long tresses, the neatly styled beard, the faint wrinkles around his eyes and a cigarette between his lips. He had not been a smoker when he had left the village, at times even mocking those that enjoyed that particular habit. 'The ninja life was already a balancing act when it came to life and death,' he used to say, 'why speed death up with cancer sticks?'

_Maybe he should have listened to his own advice._

"You look great!" Smoke escaped between his words making Nana grimace internally. She hated the smell of cigarettes. "A bit skinnier, different glasses, but still the same Nana I remember. How are you?"

The skinny comment had her mind short circuit for a moment. _Was I fat before?_

"I'm fine, thank you." If they were going to sit with her, Nana might as well dig up a few bits of information. "I heard you're Shikamaru's sensei."

"Shikamaru?" Confusion marred his features and for a brief moment Nana actually believed that he didn't even know his own student, but his face lit up with disinterest. "Oh yeah, your clansman."

Her smile cracked. "You don't seem very eager about him."

"No offense, Nana, but the kid's a slacker."

_Darn it, Shikamaru._

"Yes, I'm aware of that. He's a tough cookie to crack."

"No shit. It's been over two weeks and I still can't get him to even try to train properly. It's like all he wants to do is lie around and sleep or watch the sky." He grabbed the small tea plate from Nana's side and before she could protest, he tapped some of the ashes of his cigarette on it. Nana bit the inside of her cheek as some of it scattered on the table and Asuma swiped them away, smudging it on the wooden surface.

"Actually, I heard the kids talk a few days ago how they've been at your place for lunch. You and Shikamaru close?"

"We are."

Asuma leaned forward with his elbows on the table. "Can you give me any pointers? I can handle Choji, I just have to bait him with food."

_What?_

"Ino is even easier, but Shikamaru is my problem. Nothing I do seems to encourage him. It's like talking to a brick wall." Asuma sighed despondent as he took another drag from his cigarette. "I don't know if maybe he's actually so lazy that we won't even try to be a ninja or maybe he's not smart enough."

Irritation warmed Nana's veins.

"Trust me, Asuma-san, Shikamaru is _very_ intelligent. You just don't know how to approach him." It was high time her cute cousin moved his lazy butt and started focusing on his career. "Physical activity is not the answer. Try strategic games, Shogi and Go in particular."

Asuma scrunched up his nose. "You think that'll work?"

"It'll get him to open up and give you an idea of what you're dealing with."

Asuma will get one heck of a surprise for sure. In the last two years, Shikamaru had taken up board games after he had watched Nana play against his father. She and the boy had played on multiple occasions and with each match, Shikamaru became shrewder until his wins outweighed his loses. Those matches always resulted in a lot of bruised egos, the reason Nana refused to play against him now.

"I might try that." He nodded wistfully before smirking in good nature. "Thanks for the advice."

"You're welcome."

Nana was sure that this would be the end of their conversation, but the pair didn't seem to think so. They actually seemed to be rather comfortable where they sat. Defensively, Nana's secretary cover slipped on, polite and professional.

"Is there something else?"

Asuma huffed. "You know we used to be friends once, right? You don't need to brush us off like that."

Taken by surprise, Nana's lashes fluttered like trapped butterflies.

"I-I'm not, I just—"

"Leave her alone, Asuma." Kurenai saved her from embarrassing herself as Nana struggled to find the right words. "We are the ones that barged in on her privacy. We should go."

Asuma didn't move even when prompted by Kurenai's gentle hands. He looked Nana straight in the eye with that intensity he was capable of whenever he shed his easygoing persona. It managed to embarrass Nana, her cheeks flushing by the undivided attention.

"How are you, really?" Asuma's tone took a softer approach. "What are you up to these days? I heard you got transferred to the Station after you lost your leg."

_Oh kami._

Kurenai elbowed him in the gut. "Asuma!"

"It's _alright_, Kurenai-san." Nana's smile turned pointed as her hands slipped from the table. Vicious fingers dug into the top of her thighs, Nana not even wincing at the stinging sensation. "I forgot how straightforward you are, Asuma-san."

One of the many qualities Sarutobi Asuma was famed for was his frankness, to the point that he insulted others without either noticing or caring, but it didn't seem to tarnish his reputation as the rebellious, golden child of the Sandaime Hokage.

—The perks of being born into shinobi royalty.

"You were never a fan of it if I remember correctly." Asuma chuckled.

_I'm still not._

"As I said, I'm alright."

Asuma rolled the cigarette from corner to corner before narrowing his eyes. "I think you're lying."

Nana's smile waivered before it sharpened. Hatake used to love pointing out that she looked similar to a rather frightening doll whenever that particular smile bloomed.

This discussion was over and Nana wanted to go back to silence.

"I hope you manage to break through Shikamaru's laziness, Asuma-san. Kami knows I tried and failed."

Now that was a clear brush off and she hoped Asuma would be smart enough to understand it. The shinobi sighed dejectedly before crushing his finished cigarette in the small platter.

"Well, we'll leave you to your tea, Nana." He gave her one last smile. "It really _is_ nice seeing you again."

"Bye, Nana." Kurenai waved as they were finally handed out their takeout's and left.

"Have a great day, you two." Nana called after them with as much easiness as she could muster.

Once the door of the shop closed, her smile slipped off. The strain of maintaining it had even tensed her jaw, making the muscles grate against each other. Rigid fingers unclenched from her thighs and Nana knew that by tomorrow she'll have some pretty bruises to ornament her flesh.

She watched the pair through the window panels as they closely walked down the street. Asuma's fingers took a hold of Kurenai's for a second, squeezing them with affection before letting go.

_Interesting._

Nana never really understood their need to keep their relationship hushed like a dirty little secret. There was nothing to be ashamed of since they were highly skilled ninja and both matched beautifully together. The Sandaime would be proud of his choice.

The kunoichi hoped that Asuma would get through her cousin's thick skull. She really wanted him to succeed, to be better than just an average shinobi with a simple job like he often described his future to be. For that to happen he had to stop acting so childish and use that kami given brain of his to climb the ladder. Maybe one day continue his father's role as Jonin Commander and advisor to the Hokage.

Nana sighed as she returned her attention back to her tea only to discover its coldness. Her disposition lowered even further as now her table smelt like the contents of an ashtray thanks to Asuma.

_Well, there goes my appetite._

* * *

Slowly, Nana moved through the graveyard with a bag of gardening utensils, bucket of water and assortment of flowers. It had been quite some time since she had stepped foot in the Nara's burial ground that she almost forgot about its existence.

Reaching her first destination, Nana looked upon the gravestone with despondency. No matter how much time passed, the sorrow never faded. It just dulled with time, a numb ache at the bottom of her heart. Returning to this place always evoked a certain type of emotion that the old Nana used to avoid like the plague. Now, Nana embraced it like a long lost lover, cloaking herself in it.

Gently, Nana began the tedious work of cleaning up the grave. She doused the stone in water and scrubbed it clean until it appeared greyish again and cut the pestering weeds that grew around. This was one of the most tiresome activities that she had to do, but it was required. This was where two of her precious people were still remembered in physical form. The least she could do was honor them even if it had been years since their deaths.

_Hey, mom. Sorry I haven't been here a while. More like since my leg got chopped off. I've had a rough year so I think it's understandable._

Nana viciously scrubbed against a difficult spot of dirt, beads of sweat gathering at her hairline.

_I'm a desk ninja now. Not because I wanted to, but because I'm one limb short so that makes me and I quote—'unfit for active duty'. I didn't exactly anticipate this turn of events, but I have to live with it and it's…hard. _

The dirt just wouldn't budge. Nana took out a kunai from her pouch and proceeded to scrape at the troublesome splotch, all the while the blood in her veins warming her body to discomfort in response to her train of thought.

_I'm really struggling to stay afloat. I have days where I just don't want to get out of bed, where I just want to get swallowed by the earth and disappear. It's not like anyone would notice except Shikamaru and his parents…and _him_._

A grimace contorted her lips as soon as his image appeared before her mind. That crinkled eye, that lazy gait, his laidback wave…that damned book.

_Kakashi's back in my life, mom. After six years of not speaking to each other, he just waltzed back in. I know you'd be thrilled to hear that since you always did like him and his father, but I'm not. No matter how much I ignore or dismiss him, I just can't get rid of him. No, that's not right. I _can_. I know what to say to make him never come back, but…I feel conflicted_.

If she let those words flow, she knew Hatake would never forgive her. The man had some deep wounds that even after more than a decade still bled. You could never tell by looking at him, but Nana knew that underneath he still lamented his losses. Even knowing this, Nana would not give him respite. Every ninja had their sob story and he was no different. Hatake did not deserve any sympathy from her part, not after everything.

_It's not like it used to be. The anger's diminished, but I can still feel that deep rooted loathing. It still festers like an open wound every time I see him._

The urge to grimace was ever present. To turn tail and walk in the opposite direction even more dire. To live her life in her own current problems and not add the past ones on top which Hatake always seemed to evoke. In addition, Nana had to be forever reminded that she no longer held the position of 'top dog' like him. That hurt more than anything else.

_Shikaku told me I should either 'shit or get off the pot' in not so colorful words. He's right as always, but I just don't know what to do. A few years ago it would have been easy. I would have severed those ties in a blink of an eye. Now, I'm not so sure._

Nana wiped the sweat from her brow, her glasses slipping off her nose with increasing frustration. Her heart clenched in distress knowing the reason why she hadn't proceeded with that extreme decision yet.

_He's the only one I talk to, mom. Except for the head family, there's no one else but him._

How low she had fallen…

_I bet you're turning in your grave right now, aren't you? I managed to push all my friends away. I was so focused on my career that I woke up one day alone. It didn't bother me at the time. If they couldn't keep up with me then I had no use for them, but now…I see my old comrades in the streets, happy and moving on with their lives while I'm stuck in this hellish loop._

Today's encounter with Asuma and Kurenai had given her one hell of a reality check. She couldn't believe how hard it had been to speak to them. At one point in time, the pair had been close friends of hers. Now, talking had been a pain, finding no other subject than Shikamaru and, of course, her cursed leg. She had been like a directionless mannequin without the ventriloquist's hand up her—

Cough.

_Right._

How she wished the surprise reunion had never happened. Now, the only thing she could ponder on was her non-existent circle of friends, one that didn't consist of a twelve year old, her patriarch and matriarch. How many years has it been going on? Nana could not even remember the last friend she had.

_Oh, Kami. No wonder I'm friendless._

Maybe that was why nobody wanted to have anything to do with her. They thought she was some lizard-lady that was most likely to bite and cause them gangrene than an actual human being. Or some kind of golem that guarded the doors to the Commander's office. One ANBU actually had the gall to call her that when she refused him entry.

_I have no one to talk to. _

What a depressing realization.

_I can't with Shikamaru, he's too young to understand. Shikaku is my patriarch; I won't burden him with my problems and despite my feelings for Yoshino, I don't think she can help._

Nana scoffed at the irony. The only person who could relate to her was the man she detested. Whatever kami thought that was a hilarious joke she cursed him to Hell and back.

_If I push him away, I'll be alone again. Even if he annoys me with his juvenile attitude, he's still there every day. He's a reassuring constant._

But she couldn't really say he was good for her. Aren't people supposed to trust and have warm feelings towards a friend? She and Hatake had a more toxic relationship than anything fuzzy and pleasant, at least on her part. Nana believed the silver jonin truly enjoyed their time spent together in his own twisted fashion.

_I know what you would say—make other friends. But how? I'm not a kid anymore. It doesn't come as easy as it did when I was young. Before I lost the leg, people thought I was too cold, too ambitious. I never wanted their friendship unless it benefited me in some way. Now, I just make them uncomfortable._

Nana sighed in weariness. Her severe scraping had taken a small chunk out of the headstone. Staring pensively at the indent, Nana lost herself to her forlorn thoughts.

_Where do I even start? Asuma seemed nice enough, but he always was like that. Kurenai is a stranger now. Gai, Anko, the others…I haven't talked to them in so long that it would be weird to just pop out of nowhere asking for a drink or two._

Nana placed the flowers in their stone bowl, hoping they wouldn't wither too early again.

_Maybe I'm just not supposed to have companions. Whatsoever a man soweth._

Finishing the last touches with a small prayer, Nana rose to her feet. She still had one more grave to clean and daylight was losing fast.

_I have to go, mom. I need to visit Takeshi. Let him in on the news also._

She stood still as she gazed at the gravestone, arms full with utensils and flowers. Twelve years had passed since her mother's death and Nana had discovered one day that she could not remember her mother's voice. She had never had a problem recalling her face or gestures, but her voice had gradually faded from memory until it became a cacophony of different voices.

_Sorry if I disappointed you. I know you wanted great things for me. I'm just as upset as you are, trust me, but I know that you'd tell me to keep my chin up and try to make the best with what I have at hand._

Nana's lips contorted in remembrance.

_Which is pretty much a lowly position on the food chain._

Nana let out a high-pitch titter. Her palm covered her lips tight, ending her bubbling hysteria. Her heart beat faster than a rabbit's, wishing to escape the confines of her chest and smothering her until a dizziness settled in her mind. This was neither the time nor the place for a breakdown. With trouble, she swallowed her frenzy back to where it had been born from.

_Smile. Everything is alright._

Taking in a deep, ragged breath, Nana left her mother's side and marched over to her deceased fiancé's grave.

* * *

It was late in the night, passed the time the population of Konoha laid to rest. All but one still remained with eyes open, tribulations keeping her awake.

Nana sat at her kitchen table, her tea haven gotten cold a long time ago. Her mind had vacated the present in favor of the past. Whenever Nana visited the cemetery, she would afterward sink into a total meltdown. No anchor, no safe boat. Just the deep, dark bottom of the ocean. The reason she restricted her visits to one per year. Add in the past two years and her current worries, and Nana was a hotpot of despair and anxieties.

Her mind could be particularly masochistic. Those murky days after she woke up in the hospital where not even the warmth of the sun could faze her floated about in her mind. It was a soul-sucking catatonia and right now, Nana had no power to stop it.

She could hear them as clear as if someone was yelling right beside her. The screams, metal clashing, the pleading and the raw sound of flesh being cut—

Nana moaned deep in her throat. She shut her eyes tight, fingers clenching over the edge of the table to keep herself even remotely attached to reality, but it was to no avail. The memories just wouldn't cease and Nana finally gave in and let them batter her until she was a sobbing mess…


End file.
